Is Behavior Purposeful?
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Getting Beyond Conflict: Relationship Coaching Can Help
Getting Beyond Conflict: Relationship Coaching Can Help July 3, 2023 Marriage can be wonderful, but sometimes it gets a bit rocky. Couples can get stuck in ongoing disagreements. The disagreements could be over finances, sex, childrearing, in-laws, church involvement, you name it. One thing that all disagreements have in common is that you must work through them and find mutually satisfying solutions; otherwise, resentment builds, and hurtful behavior ensues. That cycle eventually erodes the relationship and ultimately destroys the marriage. Relationship coaching can help – don’t be afraid to ask for guidance. When resentment builds, it manifests in our outward behavior toward our spouse. Let’s see what that could look like with John and Mary. John refuses to include Mary in managing the family finances. He tells Mary it is the husband’s job, and he refuses to discuss it. If John and Mary continue to argue because Mary believes that John is being unreasonable by excluding her from managing the family finances, Mary will become resentful. Eventually, out of her resentment she may withhold affection or cooperation in other matters. Mary may not have made a conscious decision to behave that way, rather it’s a reflection of how she is feeling. In response, John stops helping around the house and helping with the kids. When that happens, the couple gets trapped in a vicious cycle with each of them mistreating and hurting the other. The sooner they work through their disagreement, the better. The goal is to minimize damage to the relationship. If you and your spouse continue to have the same argument over and over and cannot find a resolution or maybe one of you believes the disagreement is jeopardizing your marriage, then you would likely benefit from relationship coaching. Relationship coaching is an educational process for helping couples who are having trouble communicating and resolving disagreements. Virtually any topic of disagreement can be addressed in relationship coaching. It’s a valuable learning opportunity and can help save marriages. Any effort a couple makes to improve their communication and conflict resolution skills is a wise investment. Afterall, one of the hallmarks of a successful marriage is good communication. If you have children, you really owe it to them to teach them by example how people who love one another can disagree and work through their disagreements in a civil manner and without hurting one another. This kind of instruction is invaluable to kids as they grow and eventually move out and make their own way in the world. Even if you think you’re at the end of your rope and don’t hold out any hope for your marriage – couples coaching or relationship coaching is worth a try. It may turn out to be the first time you and your spouse felt truly heard by the other. It may be the first time you and your spouse truly understood the needs and feelings driving the other’s actions and words. Very importantly, relationship coaching will help you become better prepared to handle the disagreements that will inevitably come. Knowledge and practice are key! Take care!
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Bumps on the Road to Bliss: Perceptions
Bumps on the Road to Bliss: Perceptions June 22, 2023 Terry Sutter, Couples Coaching Corner Most of us want to find that special someone, fall in love, and live happily ever after, right? It is certainly possible to do that, the live happily ever after part, however it will require figuring out how to do it, because it does not come easily nor naturally. It’s no surprise that we are all very different. We have different personalities, different communication styles, different needs, different backgrounds, and different expectations for our relationships and marriage. As two people begin their relationship or marriage, they soon discover that their differences become more pronounced in their day-to-day living. At least at times, they will find themselves unhappy, disappointed, and wondering how they’ll make the relationship work. I know that sounds a bit gloomy, but luckily there are skills and tools you can learn in relationship coaching so that you can create that happy and long-lasting relationship you’ve hoped for. It’s not complicated, but it does require opening your mind to new ways of thinking and a lot of practice! So, what to do? You should begin by gaining a better understanding of yourself and how you’ve been shaped into the person you are. Also try learning to identify your feelings, needs, and expectations during various interactions with your spouse. We must always look at ourselves and what we can change. We’re on a dead-end road if we focus on changing our partner. A little tip, it’s always best to model the behavior we would like to see in others! Now let’s talk about perceptions. Our perceptions are our realities, and because we all have different perceptions/realities we are bound to have misunderstandings. Our perceptions are very different from one another because they are influenced by the interactions among our life experiences and our individual personalities (behavioral tendencies), which then shape our values, worldviews, attitudes, and beliefs. So, as we move through life, we use our values, worldviews, attitudes and beliefs to interpret our world. It’s as though when looking at the same situation, people are looking through different lenses, thus, the picture looks very different. Now let’s apply this thinking to a real-life conflict regarding finances between a husband and wife. Wife thinks it’s important to take a nice vacation every summer and she thinks $5,000.00 per vacation is affordable. She thinks it’s good for their relationship and well worth the money spent. Husband thinks that’s too extravagant, and he suggests that if they are going to spend $5,000.00 on a vacation, it should be every other summer. That example demonstrates how husbands and wives often have different approaches to money management. Remember, their ideas about money management are rooted in their upbringing and personal experiences. In this example, the husband came from a family that prioritized frugality and savings, and the wife came from a family with a more relaxed attitude towards spending. By acknowledging and respecting each other’s money mindsets and the underlying reasons behind them; and with effective communication, empathy and compromise; they can find a middle ground that suits their family’s financial goals and reach agreement on their vacation budget. The key to successful compromise lies in understanding and appreciating each other’s perspectives and working together as a team, which strengthens their bond. What you want to avoid is a destructive conversation that includes name calling and all sorts of exaggerated accusations, those only serve to destroy your relationship over time. Something to think about… How have you conducted yourself in recent disagreements with your spouse? Did you attempt to understand what life experiences and needs may be driving your partner’s opposing viewpoint? Did you attempt to understand what life experiences and needs may be driving your viewpoint? Please like and follow our Facebook page, Couple’s Coaching Corner. Take care!
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