Bumps on the Road to Bliss: Perceptions
June 22, 2023
Terry Sutter, Couples Coaching Corner
Most of us want to find that special someone, fall in love, and live happily ever after, right? It is certainly possible to do that, the live happily ever after part, however it will require figuring out how to do it, because it does not come easily nor naturally.
It’s no surprise that we are all very different. We have different personalities, different communication styles, different needs, different backgrounds, and different expectations for our relationships and marriage.
As two people begin their relationship or marriage, they soon discover that their differences become more pronounced in their day-to-day living. At least at times, they will find themselves unhappy, disappointed, and wondering how they’ll make the relationship work.
I know that sounds a bit gloomy, but luckily there are skills and tools you can learn in relationship coaching so that you can create that happy and long-lasting relationship you’ve hoped for. It’s not complicated, but it does require opening your mind to new ways of thinking and a lot of practice!
So, what to do? You should begin by gaining a better understanding of yourself and how you’ve been shaped into the person you are. Also try learning to identify your feelings, needs, and expectations during various interactions with your spouse. We must always look at ourselves and what we can change. We’re on a dead-end road if we focus on changing our partner. A little tip, it’s always best to model the behavior we would like to see in others!
Now let’s talk about perceptions. Our perceptions are our realities, and because we all have different perceptions/realities we are bound to have misunderstandings. Our perceptions are very different from one another because they are influenced by the interactions among our life experiences and our individual personalities (behavioral tendencies), which then shape our values, worldviews, attitudes, and beliefs.
So, as we move through life, we use our values, worldviews, attitudes and beliefs to interpret our world. It’s as though when looking at the same situation, people are looking through different lenses, thus, the picture looks very different.
Now let’s apply this thinking to a real-life conflict regarding finances between a husband and wife.
Wife thinks it’s important to take a nice vacation every summer and she thinks $5,000.00 per vacation is affordable. She thinks it’s good for their relationship and well worth the money spent. Husband thinks that’s too extravagant, and he suggests that if they are going to spend $5,000.00 on a vacation, it should be every other summer.
That example demonstrates how husbands and wives often have different approaches to money management. Remember, their ideas about money management are rooted in their upbringing and personal experiences. In this example, the husband came from a family that prioritized frugality and savings, and the wife came from a family with a more relaxed attitude towards spending.
By acknowledging and respecting each other’s money mindsets and the underlying reasons behind them; and with effective communication, empathy and compromise; they can find a middle ground that suits their family’s financial goals and reach agreement on their vacation budget.
The key to successful compromise lies in understanding and appreciating each other’s perspectives and working together as a team, which strengthens their bond. What you want to avoid is a destructive conversation that includes name calling and all sorts of exaggerated accusations, those only serve to destroy your relationship over time.
Something to think about…
How have you conducted yourself in recent disagreements with your spouse?
Did you attempt to understand what life experiences and needs may be driving your partner’s opposing viewpoint?
Did you attempt to understand what life experiences and needs may be driving your viewpoint?
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Take care!
